Nothing
by Amy Blue
Summary: Robbie wrestles with feeling unwanted. A little bit slashy.


AN: I still don't own anyone but myself. The song is "No You Don't" by Bratmobile, and the lyrics were transcribed by ear, so they're probably a little bit wrong.

you think you know me, but you don't, no you don't   
why do you say you care for me, but you won't?  
no, you won't

There are bad ideas and there are good ideas and sometimes I think I'm sharp enough to know the difference but then there are other times, like when he looks at me in the morning like it was nothing, when I just can't be so sure. There is a line you just don't cross when someone has done for you what he's done for me, when someone is who he is and when you are what you are, there's a line that divides you and you can't step over it, and I used to be strong enough to stay on my side.

how can I win your heart when I can't even see it?  
it doesn't bother me but I just wanted to point it out to you  
"you worry too much." what do you mean?  
"it was nothing, it was never; I told you so, I told you so"

To be fair, it wasn't even me who brought down the wall the first time, but somehow I'm the one who keeps trying to break it down again and again every time he builds it back up, but I feel like I can't even get through anymore, like maybe it's getting stronger every time he puts it together again. I know he could just wake up one day and tell himself it didn't mean anything, like he told me the first few times, that it was just something we did, and I could never tell anyone, of course not, of course I wouldn't, and it didn't mean anything, it didn't, it really didn't. Only back then I was sure he didn't mean it. Now he doesn't say it anymore, but it's truer now than it used to be.

you don't try at all, no you won't, no you won't  
why do you say you help me, but you can't   
just go away

It started with a moment that went too far, driving home, riding shotgun. His guard was let down just a second too long, and I finally saw unhappiness and frustration that I thought I was imagining when it slipped out before, and he said to me what he'd never said to anyone, about her, about them, about who he'd become and how he couldn't get out of it. And I said, but you help pretty much everyone with their problems, that has to make you feel better, I mean, where would I be now? I didn't add, without you. I thought that would be going too far. Maybe it was anyway.

you're not listening to me, if you are, you're not talking  
I'm so hungry and you know I have to take it and you don't  
'cause you know I'd die to take it and you don't

And for the first couple of weeks it felt like everything was great. That night in the car it wasn't me who crossed the line, it was his hand on mine and thank you and warm breath on my mouth, and what if we got caught, we can't do this here, not like this, not now, not here. And he backed off and he looked afraid like I was going to say he took advantage of me or what was he doing, but I didn't say anything, I didn't and I couldn't, I just waited and then I told him it wasn't like that, but if he wanted to do this, we'd have to be careful. And he said of course he knew that, what was he thinking. And I said, no, it's not like that, and I guess he got the message that time.

you wanna pillow talk  
but you don't, you just walk away   
and you don't need it like I do, of course you don't

So I'm sitting here now, waiting in a borrowed car, killing time, waiting for something I'm not even sure I want anymore. Because for the first couple of weeks, everything was great, but it couldn't always be that way. Then he started feeling guilty and everything changed, suddenly I was here alone, making demands, when before he was there because he wanted to be, now he was there because he felt like he owed it to me or something, like maybe if he didn't I would talk. And it hurt, but I didn't say anything, I didn't because I couldn't. I guess I was afraid that if we didn't have this then there would be nothing we could have anymore. It would be scary, like in the morning in the kitchen when he pretends it's nothing and I almost believe it too, even though he still shows up when he says he will.

pillow talk - I'm talking into my pillow and you're not really there  
just waiting for the fuck, and you don't need it, you just want it   
you don't need it like I need it, like I think I need it

So I'm waiting, and eventually he'll pull up in the family car, get out, get in. He'll sit beside me and we won't even talk, we don't even talk, like what would he have to talk to me about. But that's what I miss most, and it's why I think I should have let it go that first night, pretended I didn't want it to be like that, even if I did, just so we could keep things the way they used to be, when he would talk to me like he didn't talk to anybody. That's the version of him I wanted, still want, but I was closer to really having it then. Not like now. 

you think you know me, but you don't,   
no you don't know  
no you don't

And it really sucks, because I feel like I need this now, like if it wasn't this then it would be nothing, and I know he could just walk away if he wanted to, build his wall so high I'd never be able to knock it down or climb over it, wrap himself up again in his family and his work and everyone who thinks they know him. I'm the only one who does, and sometimes that's comforting, but I don't know if it's enough anymore. I want to tell him that this isn't what I want, but he would just shrug and say "okay," and then everything would be over. He could just pretend it never happened. Could I?

Later we'll be home and I'll be pretending everything is normal, and Simon will be talking at me about his girlfriend and about Joy and I'll be pretending to care, but he'll pass by, say good night to Simon, barely even look at me. He doesn't say good night to me anymore and I almost want someone to notice and ask why or think about it and figure it out, but no one cares enough to notice or wonder why. Except me. But I won't say anything, I won't because I can't, and we'll keep meeting 10 miles outside of town twice a week, and he'll have what he wanted and I'll try to remember why I wanted this, because it's too late for regrets now. And there are good ideas, and there are bad ideas, and usually I can figure out which is which, but sometimes even when I know the truth, I just have to lie.


End file.
